Below are the 16 most recent journal entries recorded in relatively_sane's LiveJournal:

Saturday, March 5th, 2005
10:24 am	Pray to God you can cope I'll stand outside This woman's work This woman's world Oooh, it's hard on the man Now his part is over Now starts the craft of the father I know you have a little life in you yet I know you have a lot of strength left I know you have a little life in you yet I know you have a lot of strength left I should be crying but I just can't let it show I should be hoping but I can't stop thinking All the things we should've said that I never said All the things we should of done that we never did All the things we should've given but I didn't Oh darling make it go Make it go away Give me these moments Give them back to me Give me little kiss Give me your hand I know you have a little life in you yet I know you have a little strength left I know you have a little life in you yet I know you have a little strength left I should be crying but I just can't let it show I should be hoping but I can't stop thinking Of all the things we should've said that we never said All the things we should've done that we never did All the things that you wanted from me All the things that that you needed from me All the things I should of given but I didn't Oh darling make it go away Just make it go away now. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, February 13th, 2005
11:20 am	Hey all.... long time no talk. Anyways I just wanted to update to say I probably won't be on for a while. I am dealing with some personal issues and I don't think I should be here subjecting myself to some things. I love you all and I hope the best for you all. If I ever get time to come back on once in a while I might but right now I have to deal with some things and some feelings. I LOVE YOU ALL! Be good. Right now everything seems to be going good for me, so don;t worry about that. Well I'll talk to you all later. -patience Current Mood: optimistic (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 2nd, 2005
3:14 pm	What ravages of spirit Conjured this temptuous rage Created you a monster Broken by the rules of love And fate has led you through it You do what you have to do And fate has led you through it You do what you have to do ... And I have the sense to recognize that I don’t know how to let you go Every moment marked With apparitions of your soul I’m ever swiftly moving Trying to escape this desire The yearning to be near you I do what I have to do The yearning to be near you I do what I have to do But I have the sense to recognize That I don’t know how To let you go I don’t know how To let you go A glowing ember Burning hot Burning slow Deep within I’m shaken by the violence Of existing for only you I know I can’t be with you I do what I have to do I know I can’t be with you I do what I have to do And I have sense to recognize but I don’t know how to let you go I don’t know how to let you go I don’t know how to let you go Current Mood: blank (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 24th, 2004
7:42 pm	You know with each day that passes by, I pray to god I'll never forget who you are. You mean everything to me. I love you Ooooh Ooooh Ooh I pray You were in my dream Before I even knew that there was a you and me, Now I can't wait to see your smile, When I wake up each day, It makes it worth while With the kinda love you plant inside, Specially with a heart so empty as mine. All your soft tenderness is the one thing that I don't wanna miss. I pray, When it's time for me to say goodbye I'll never forget looking in your eyes, I pray, That I feel your touch And that God doesn't forget our love, I pray, When I close my eyes, I can still see visions of you on my mind. I pray, That I see you in another life, I pray that you still by my side. Oh I pray. Everything that you give to me, Only comes in a fantasy, It seems like life goes by so fast, But in this time I wanna make it last. I hate that we live to die, But only God knows why We all have a purpose, And to see you again it'll be worth it. I wish that I could stop time, I wish that I could rewind, To the very begining of every second of my life. To ask God on my hands and knees, To never let me forget all my special memories. See I'm only promised today, And if it's my time to go, I don't want the love of my life to ever fade away, So one last time Let me open my eyes. To see what my life used to be like. Oh God. FIN patience Current Mood: content (Comment on this)
Saturday, October 23rd, 2004
6:13 pm	I sense there's something in the wind That feels like tragedy's at hand, And though I'd like to stand by him Can't shake this feeling that I have. The worst is just around the bend, And does he notice my feelings for him? And will he see how much he means to me? I think it's not to be. What will become of my dear friend? Where will his actions lead us then? Although I'd like to join the crowd In their enthusiastic cloud. Try as I may, it doesn't last, And will we ever end up together? No, I think not, it's never to become For I am not the one. FIN patience Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 21st, 2004
5:28 pm	Heaven bent to take my hand And lead me through the fire Be the long awaited answer To a long and painful fight Truth be told I've tried my best But somewhere along the way I got caught up in all there was to offer And the cost was so much more than I could bear Though I've tried, I've fallen... I have sunk so low I have messed up Better I should know So don't come round here And tell me I told you so... We all begin with good intent Love was raw and young We believed that we could change ourselves The past could be undone But we carry on our backs the burden Time always reveals The lonely light of morning The wound that would not heal It's the bitter taste of losing everything That I have held so dear. I've fallen... I have sunk so low I have messed up Better I should know So don't come round here And tell me I told you so... Heaven bent to take my hand Nowhere left to turn I'm lost to those I thought were friends To everyone I know Oh they turned their heads embarassed Pretend that they don't see But it's one missed step You'll slip before you know it And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed Though I've tried, I've fallen... I have sunk so low I have messed up Better I should know So don't come round here And tell me I told you so... Current Mood: confused (Comment on this)
Monday, October 18th, 2004
7:47 pm	pretty...words to live by? [7:47 P.M.]::peom...yep:: If I knew it would be the last time That I'd see you fall asleep, I would tuck you in more tightly and pray the Lord, your soul to keep. If I knew it would be the last time that I see you walk out the door, I would give you a hug and kiss and call you back for one more. If I knew it would be the last time I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise, I would video tape each action and word, so I could play them back day after day. If I knew it would be the last time, I could spare an extra minute to stop and say "I love you," instead of assuming you would KNOW I do. If I knew it would be the last time I would be there to share your day, Well I'm sure you'll have so many more, so I can let just this one slip away. For surely there's always tomorrow to make up for an oversight, and we always get a second chance to make everything just right. There will always be another day to say "I love you," And certainly there's another chance to say our "Anything I can do?" But just in case I might be wrong, and today is all I get, I'd like to say how much I love you and I hope we never forget. Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old alike, And today may be the last chance you get to hold your loved one tight. So if you're waiting for tomorrow, why not do it today? For if tomorrow never comes, you'll surely regret the day, That you didn't take that extra time for a smile, a hug, or a kiss and you were too busy to grant someone, what turned out to be their one last wish. So hold your loved ones close today, and whisper in their ear, Tell them how much you love them and that you'll always hold them dear Take time to say "I'm sorry," "Please forgive me," "Thank you," or "It's okay." And if tomorrow never comes, you'll have no regrets about today. Kind of makes you wonder if even today is too late? Oh well. I guess only God knows huh? Guess so. FIN patience Current Mood: confused and dazed (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 14th, 2004
6:00 pm	Going to be happier. [6:01 P.M.]::happier:: I'm going to be happier... because today wasn;t all that bad. Alot of drama lately involving other people and lies here in the BIG (sarcasm) city of STROP. Ha. Not. Anyways on the better note... me and Jae might go scouting tomorrow. MTV scouts and Disney Channel scouts (and other less important people) are coming to Adrienne hotle in Monroe to find new talent. Modeling, singing, and acting really. I figured why wait... I better do it now. I missed American Idol in New Orleans. I should give this atleast a little shot. [6:03 P.M.]::on the note of...:: To him... I don't know if you read this or not but if you do, I want you to know, I give up. I feel bad for giving up. Like I am doing something wrong... but I noticed... I didn't do anything wrong this time. I am making myself feel bad, like I am such a bad person and I cry and cry because I don't know what I can change. I decided to fuck it. I mean.... I see now there is obviously no love but from me. Maybe if situations were different... you might care. I feel like I am doing something wrong with everything and life and I am sick of it. My heart is breaking and probably will be broke til I know for sure my destiny. I still plan on moving there. Not for you though and probably not even in the same area. Why? Because what I long for is there. I long to be something. I have oppertunity there. Maybe when Eric comes here on a road trip next year from Cali though... I will go back to Cali with him. I mean he has been my friend for.... 5 or 6 years now? Long time I know that for sure. I still plan on being at your graduation... unless you don't want me to. Then... I can change my future for you. Doesn't take much. Sure I love you. It probably hurts me so much because you were my first real love... so yeah it hurts a little more than usual... but dang... nothing is right anymore with me because I feel uncompleted. I will learn to deal with it though. I am going to give up talking to you because I don;t want to complicate your life anymore. Odds are I am about to give up on the internet completely. I'll be on and off to talk to people here and there.... but nothing serious. Whenever I know I have hidin my own feelings, I will talk to you more, but I really think a major issue is the distance. Maybe when things get better.... I don;t know only time will tell I guess. I just want to say for the last time you will probably hear it.... I love you. I always will, and always have since I first told you that. I will love you til I die probably, being as you are my first love. Yes I will wonder what could have been done differently.... but I can't hold on to false hopes anymore. They are ruinning me. I love you. [6:11 P.M]::future...:: So I am going scouting tomorrow. I am always looking into a place to live in the next few years. I am looking into out of state colleges online also. I am going to try and look into more city oriented colleges and send in applications. Who knows... maybe I will be worth something some day.... FIN patience Current Mood: content (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, October 11th, 2004
6:22 pm	sorry gonna bitch [8:23 P.M.]::sorry....:: Well I feel like crap today as usual. Hasn't been any different as of lately. Actually I see myself doing stupid stuff lately. Hopeing it might help I guess. I seem to be more..... hurt lately. I think about all the usual shit that has happened and I have got so caught up with just thinking about him in all my free time. Wondering what could have been. Wondering why that feeling is there. You know that, 'it was going to be so big....' feeling. I just... feel like it was supposed to be... so... much bigger and better than I really thought it would ever be at the time. I don't know. I felt so serious about it, and I wonder... if he did. I do the stupid things lately. Like earlier I was riding home from eating chinese so I rode around the block a few times before actually coming home and I saw the first star... and wished on it. The things I have been wishing alot about lately. That's all I can do though... wish. Anyways I feel like crap today, like I said. Came home to leave him a message telling him I am still, unfortunately, taking care of my mother. I might be all this week.... I might not be. Still not sure. He said alot of stuff though that hurt alot more than normal. I mean yeah, 2 months ago, those kinds of jokes were funny. Now though... now, I wonder if he is serious or not. Those types of things just hurt more now. My birthday in 18 days. I'm sure he doesn't remember. BAH. I hate doing this to myself. I wish my head wasn't getting played with. I brought it all on myself. I have to be one terrible person to get this kind of shit. Fuck it... not even going to start on how I fucked everything up again. WE ALL KNOW I DID why repeat myself. I been doing it alot here lately... and it doesn't mean shit anymore. Nothing does... everything is meaningless like this. Nothing has value because the only thing I did value is gone. I feel so broken right now. IT'S BEEN A FUCKING MONTH AND A HALF! Why the HELL do I fucking cry still. God.... Yeah it's not everyday but it's every other day atleast.... and as of the past week it's been about twice everyday. I have had time to think. I was just... so serious... and... I fell so hard. To end this note here is something my friend Nikki said to me a while back about guys when I was in my hysterical blunder. I called her ... she knew of the situation because she is my cousins girlfriend and we are good friends and yeah we don;t talk as much as I like, but when we do it is good advice. This didn't relate to the subject but I was crying.... she just wanted to point this out about guys. Anyways here it is and I'll try my best to duplicate it.... 'And too all guys- Girls aren't your little toys you can just play with for the moment and come back to when your bored. We are human beings with way more feelings then you guys will ever have. We should be respected and treated like queens. NOT your burden. YOU came to us... YOU wanted to date us, YOU got OUR phone numbers... and when you tell us to call, and we do... DON'T make like we are bugging you just because your around all your pittyless friends. The only reason why they make fun of you is because they are jealous they dont have what you have. I promise, every fucking guy out there should know, we will love them for all they are and everything their not, we will always be there, we are always willing to listen and we pray that they come to us with their problems. They are all we think about when we go to sleep, dream, and when we wake up. We put their needs before ours, yeah, that means we buy their food with our money, and if we have enough to buy ourselves something off the dollar menu.. we will. We waste gas just to go see them for fifteen minutes so that they wont have to waste their precious time and money to come see us. We care for them, cry over them, love them, pray for them, take care of them, and we are always there for them. And all you boys do.... you break our hearts when we are trying so hard to even maintain some sort of friendship. We love them, dammit. Was it so hard them to love us back?' This isn't the situation because.... he loved me. I hope so anyways. I mean... he was my everything and I hope to God I was his. He treated me great... loved me through my flaws, loved me when I felt alone, and held me when I cried. He even tried to solve the fights even if he was right about it. He was everything I could ever wish and pray for. Everything I wanted, needed, loved. He still is..... I think he always will be. He IS my first real love. You know... I wasn't sure if he was before... because I didn't know what love was. Now I know what it is. It's when you love them regardless, wish they were with you every waking minute, dream of them when you sleep, cry for them because they aren't there, joke with them knowing they get you, open up to them, accept them, and everytime something goes wrong.... blame yourself, even if it isn't your fault. I love him. I wish it was easier. I wish that a broken heart didn;t have to cry to mend. I wish broken hearts never existed. I know mine is going to be broken for a very long time. I will wait though. If it takes forever and a day I will wait. He doesn't want me to.... but I know now... he is the only thing I want in life. I want him worse than I have ever before. I just wish...... nevermind. Pray for me please. Even if you don't believe in God. Maybe... just maybe... someone is listening. It makes me doubt it now though. Who would let their so called 'child' go through this? Is this life even worth this kind of pain? I have felt alot of pain in my life... but I have never felt anything like this before. This tops the notch.... Love is a wonderful terrible thing I guess..... FIN patience Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 6th, 2004
8:55 pm	Hey again. [10:56 P.M.]:: Time is TOUGH :: So my mom is out of the hospital. I am going to take care of her til I know she is okay. I plan on letting her do her own thing coming this Friday. So I will be home free then (excluding WORK). Yeah lately has been rough. Life seems so much ... I don't even know how to explain it. It's not hard but... I feel like a failure at everything? I feel like I suck at life in general. Nothing I ever wanted in life happened. I feel so ugly right now. I don't know. I really miss things. How they were and how they seemed to be so held together. I really need to get on with my life. I can't though. GOSH I hate this stuff. I feel like if I just give up... then I don't love him or something. I feel like I will be just... letting a peice of my life that is right GO. I don't know. I wish I had his strength and could just move on like him. Or atleast be as strong as him. I know he says he isn't, and it's hard , but I can tell the strong in him. It's sensed. I know he will get over me eventually, but I don't see myself getting over him. I don't know. I don't feel right with out him and lordy I been listening to the most depressing songs and not even on purpose. They all relate and it sucks ass. Music is starting to suck ASS. OH WELL. I'm going to go. I feel like crying, so why not just let it be and stop holding the shit in. I hear you're taking the town again havin' a good time with all your good time friends i don't think that you think of me you're on your own now, and i'm alone and free i know that i should get on with my life but a life lived without you could never be right as long as the stars shine down from the heavens long as the rivers run to the sea i'll never get over you gettin' over me i try to smile so the hurt won't show tell everybody i was glad to see you go but the tears just won't go away loneliness found me, looks like it's here to stay i know that i oughta find someone new but all i find is myself always thinkin' of you oh, no matter what i do spending a lifetime to live through i can't go on like this i need your touch you're the only one i've ever loved i'll never get over you gettin' over i'll never get over you gettin' over me FIN patience Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 3rd, 2004
11:05 pm	blah oh well. [11:05 P.M.]::Was gonna be happy... sorry:: Anyways I was going to post and be happy, but today has been so bad. Well the past 2 or 3 days have been great. I mean I didn't cry once. I seriously thought I might be getting better. I guess I was wrong though. We didn't talk once today. I never noticed how just not TALKING to him effects me. It sucks. I mean he is mad at me for something that has completely thrown me off. I am so confused right now that I don;t know what to do BUT blame it on myself. I mean seriously, I did something, I know that, but I don;t know what. All I can do is say sorry, cry, and think about how I keep fucking up. I don't know but today has been terrible. I been a hermit all day. Just watching and waiting. He came back but we didn't talk not lickidy splite so I just cried. Nothing else I could really do. I wish I would stop fucking shit up in their prime. I have fallen so hard for him. I don't know why it hurts so damn much. I think it is because he is my friend REAL love. I mean he actually loved me back and did me right and , yea. I fell and fell hard I guess. I just feel so insecure right now. I used to be so strong and so good at hiding things. What the hell is wrong with me... I can't figure the shit out and it depresses me so bad.... [11:10 P.M.] ::Work tomorrow and Jae:: Well I missed 3 days or work last week... 2 I took off to try and talk to him. One I got off early to come home and surprise him. So tomorrow I am going back. I think I'm going to go to Jae's afterwards and talk to her about all of this. She really does help me out alot. I don't know. I mean I have told everyone here about him, and alot of people don't support me. Actually most of them, but Jae does... and she understands. My dad , like, doesn't really like it much but he can't say shit about it because like... I was happy with it and I mean... why can't I be happy for once? He is just worried I am going to up and leave. Even if me and Josh... oh gosh... never work out... I am still going somewhere. I just have to get away from here. HAVE TO! There is nothing for me here. NOTHING. Oh well. I been drawing alot lately. Mostly depressing drawings. I would show everyone but I can;t bring myself to it. I can;t even show the one person I know I probably should. BLAH I am going to go I feel so.... GOD I DON'T KNOW! I feel like fucking dying and I don't even know why.... dammit. FIN patience Current Mood: depressed (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, September 27th, 2004
3:53 pm	STFU #$)*$%) :D! [3:53 P.M.] :: Yesterday...:: Okay so 2 days ago my mom was admitted to eating whole food :). Good stuff huh? Yeah well... As you all known the past 4 weeks or 5 have been... terrible. Utterly terrible. Everyone has left me and I feel so alone in the world and purposeless. I know I'm not... but I feel that way. I feel so ugly. Anyways yesterday.... was the best day I have had in a long time. I talked to Josh all day. I mean really talked. It was like the normal... how it used to be. It made me so happy inside. It made me so sad to... I forgot for a splite second that we weren't broke up... and that he didn't dislike me. Only select few moments of the conversation stick out in my mind... one I remember, since I was on cam all day with him... forgetting most of the time it was even on, he has told me to stop sucking my thumb (bad habit) and he I said no and he told me I better and I told him I never listened before, and then he told me I always listened before. I told him to shut up because it was true... jokingly of course. Then he told me that I had always stopped because I loved him. It took me on surprise of course... I sat there for a while. I started to cry so I looked away and I told him I still did. He told me that I had stopped sucking my thumb so I obviously did. I don't know.... that really hurt me. It reminded me of how I wasn't with him anymore and how... someone else was. I think it would be easier on me if he just told me he loved someone else, and not me anymore. OH LORDY. Anyways about today. Today was terrible. I went to bed crying... don;t know why... depression spell. Well I woke up at like 5 all groggy because when you cry and try and wake up early... the 2 don't mix well. Anyways I got up and said screw it so I put on like a little makeup put on some sweats and put my hair in a pony tail then went to work. Hope Mrs.Deanne didn't care. She didn't seem to since she is like my mom and all. Anyways I got to work and I am like depressed like crazy. Well I start bawling and Mrs. Deanne comes in there, thinking it is about my mom, assuring me things will get better. When that isn;t even it. It just seems like my world is crashing in and I lost the whole support system of my world. It has caved it... literally it is no more. My world as we know it has crashed and burned. BURN BABY BURN! Anyways the days seem to be getting longer... and harder... and I never know what to do about it. Everyday I fall more and more in love with him... even when he doesn't talk to me. I need him. I screwed up so bad and I can't do anything but sit here and blame myself because... that is how I have always handles things. Sometimes I just want to talk so freaking bad about him, and cuss him out and all of this stuff, but it wouldn't be meant... and I would only hurt myself. I can't say those things about him. It hurts me more than him because even though I want to believe them to make it easier on myself, I know they are all lies. I guess all I can do is cry. I know I will never get over him. Simple as that. I just... I don't know and I don't want to say it. I feel like we were suppose to last longer. Oh well though... what can you do. I found this spazzy poem though or quote or whatever. It isn't directed to Josh persay biut at the world in general so don't go off thinking stupid shit. Anyways here it is If one day you feel like crying call me. I don't promise that I'll make you laugh, but I can cry with you. If one day you want to run away, don't be afraid to call. I don't promise I'll ask you to stop, but I can run with you. If one day you call & there is no answer, come fast to see me. Maybe I need you. If I have ever ignored you, I'm sorry. If I have ever thought I was bigger and better than you, I love you. Don't ever forget that, through bad times and good, I'll always be here for you. I'm sorry for everything wrong I've ever done. I'm writing this because what if tomorrow never comes? FIN patience Current Mood: sleepy and sad (Comment on this)
Monday, September 20th, 2004
4:24 pm	okay... hope this reaches you... [4:24 P.M.]::last night....:: I know I have updated alot lately, and mainly about Josh. Today will be no different. It is the same as in, it will still be about him, but different because, this time, I will be letting him go. Why, you you say, is today any different from the rest? Because, last night, I came to a bargain with my brain and... my heart. Last night when I was going to be, I was crying, I laid down crying, and fell to sleep crying. While I was laying there, I noticed something, that hurt alot more, but was truer than any words I have ever spoken. Finally , I let my heart decide. I started thinking, the one man I have ever loved so stronlgy is across the country from me. I noticed that this wasn't an issue, because any day I could open up my bank account and go to him, but what the issue was, was, the man I love is across the country from me, thinks I am a liar, hates me, and has no clue how much I love him and doesn't share it back. At that time I felt the lowest low to know how terrible of a person I was. I wanted to die. Literally stop breathing right there. Then I remembered something Josh always told me, and I thought I understood, but never did til now. He had told me, actions speak louder than words. Right then I noticed, I had to let go. I didn't want to, but my heart told me I was only causing me pain. So I finally did what was right for him. I would becon an emotion so true to me, it stabbed at me. If he was meant to love me, he would come back. If not , then I would have to remember him in memory. I noticed that remembering him in memory is so much better than fighting with my heart til I died. Atleast I would get to remember him the way I wanted. The way he told me he loved me. The way when I hadn't messed everything up. Tje day I was truely happy, even when nothing was actually right. What is that saying? Love is a battlefield. I just chose to surrender my all to him. I cry now... hurting of the pain I caused, but my heart is so much lighter, because once he gets this, he will have a burden lifted, and he can be truely happy. Love is patient... now all I have to do is wait, even if it is for the rest of my life, because I will never let go... When you love someone so deeply They become your life It's easy to succumb to overwhelming fears inside Blindly I imagined I could Keep you under glass Now I understand to hold you I must open up my hands And watch you rise Spread your wings and prepare to fly For you have become a butterfly Fly abandonedly into the sun If you should return to me We truly were meant to be So spread your wings and fly Butterfly I have learned that beauty Has to flourish in the light Wild horses run unbridled Or their spirit dies You have given me the courage To be all that I can And I truly feel your heart will Lead you back to me when you're Ready to land Spread your wings and prepare to fly For you have become a butterfly Fly abandonedly into the sun If you should return to me We truly were meant to be So spread your wings and fly Butterfly I can't pretend these tears Aren't over flowing steadily I can't prevent this hurt from Almost overtaking me But I will stand and say goodbye For you'll never be mine Until you know the way it feels to fly Spread your wings and prepare to fly For you have become a butterfly Fly abandonedly into the sun If you should return to me We truly were meant to be So spread your wings and fly Butterfly Spread your wings and prepare to fly For you have become a butterfly Fly abandonedly into the sun If you should return to me We truly were meant to be So spread your wings and fly Butterfly So flutter through the sky Butterfly Spread your wings and fly Butterfly Current Mood: content but hurting (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 18th, 2004
1:31 pm	depressing week..... [1:32 P.M.]::thoughts and why this weeks sucks...:: So yea... I got back from visiting mom like 45 mins ago. She is going soooo much better. She got out of withdrawal like 2 days ago so she is still really looney acting from the meds they had her on BECAUSE of withdrawal, but you can tell she is getting better. Anyone else that hadn't seen her before would probably think this is the worst... but it's not. She looks like death though. I really feel this brought my closer with my mom. I stopped doing full day visits so I have to go at visiting hours since they took me off the full day sit-in list. There is really no reason now not to sit in with her all day though, because I feel like Josh just lied to me the whole time about he thinks we had a chance of getting back together if I changed out of pity. Oh well though because I really felt like he was interested in someone else while we were together anyways. It's just how I feel I am not saying it's true. I think I know who the person is he was caught up with, and if it is who I think it is then God speed, that's some fucked up shit. As many complaints I heard... it would be so fucked up. Then again it gives me the idea that no matter how bad it is no, if that relationship can take a U-turn... maybe some day ours can too. I really need to be slapped for saying that. I need to give up but , GOD, I love him so much. I can't just go and give up like some other people can. I don't know. I feel like it is all my fault ,but a rather good friend, and should I say GREAT ADVICE giver, told me that it's not my fault. I still feel like it but she said that I have to have a life. Plus she told me that I should be with my mom anyways. Plus when I was working the whole time I was paying college funds and ... get this... setting money aside so when josh graduated in 2 years, I could be there for him, and still have money to pay for all my shit. Whatever though. I really honestly feel like he doesn't care for me anymore, nor love me, nor whatever it is he says he does. I feel so selfish right now , but i could honestly careless because everyone is selfish when it comes to love. I am not selfish as on the 'he is mine' kind of way but as in the 'i want his love' kind of way. If he does love me.... then it's a shared love... and that hurts more than rejection itself. I have so much hope for him, but when I saw he has no hope at all... it discourages me. He tells me that if I was here more we might be able to work it out, but I am here... and he never talks to me. It's just like 'hey, what are you doing?' then that is the end of it, in which hellos usually come FROM ME! I am happy I have someone there though that is going through the same thing though, it's odd though because usually I give her advice... and now it's totally opposite but it's like we help EACH OTHER. It's nice. I don't know... I feel so lousy right now like I never did him right or I could never make him happy, but... there is nothing I can do about it now. He has given up on me... and won't say it. I am sick of crying everyday for 2 or 3 hours because I know he hates me. I cry now just thinking how I feel I fucked everything up, even when people tell me I didn;t and I was a great girlfriend and blah blah blahhh, but I wasn't. If I was he would have waited for me and stuck with me through the bad times.... but he didn't. So I know now... I never was a good girlfriend... and I never did him right. I am so mad I fucked myself over though. I opened up to him... and I mean really opened up to him and only him. He knows things about me... I wouldn't even tell God himself.... and he accepted me. Or made it seem like that at the time. Oh well though I am sick of sitting here bawling my eyes out and typing... so instead I am just going to sit here, bawl, and NOT TYPE. FIN patience Current Mood: hysterically depressed (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 31st, 2004
10:22 pm	this week has sucked in so many ways... die.... [10:23 P.M.]::Work:: Wow. I have been so busy this week and I hate it. Work is so unorganized that it pisses me off and my mammaw has been keeping my neice, and as all 5 year olds do, she completely trashes my mammaws house. I started feeling bad about it so when I get off work I always go over there and visit and try to calm my , get this, 69 year old mammaws nerves and clean her house some. Yea crappy sister I have to push your kid on your elderly mammaw eh? Yea well she is a no good so whatever. I have been getting off work at 5 lately because of the fact that I hate unorganization... so I try and organize it. Well I try and clean up after her til 7 which I put her in the tub then then after that she lays down and watches tv til bed time... so I don't have to clean up after her after she is settled down and not playing. Which is great, but I don't come on like I used to. It will get stable sooner or later I hope. [10:28 P.M]::Josh:: Well lately things have been so down hill. It seems like I am ruinning everything we have and worked for. I am never here anymore , or atleast as much as I want to be to be with him. I always seem to start fights because I never notice how I am until we have already started fighting about it. He tells me I am not a lousy girlfriend... but I am and I know it. I feel like I have thrown away the girl he started to like... and I don't want that. I want him to feel the way he used to about me forever. Yes forever is a long time, so what. I really have been fucking myself over. It's gotten to me lately. Really makes me depressed too. I never do anything right anymore it feels. Well it doesn't feel that way, it's true. I read the song in his last entry and it made me feel so bad, because I know that is the case and he just don't want to say anything about it. I really love him... and I feel like if I don't change now and fast... I am going to ruin everything I have with him. I hate the feeling after you get finished fighting. You know, the ackward feeling. I wouldn't doubt if he isn't already giving up on me. Wow I am way too touchy that got to me just typing it. I just get so sick of people giving up on me sometimes.... but I know it has to be my fault. I don't give them a reason to not give up. I wish I wasn't so flawed... and I wish my flaws would stop hurting him. I am so sick of hurting the people I care for most.... FIN patience Current Mood: depressed (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, August 22nd, 2004
9:07 pm	If I died, who would spread the word? [9:09 P.M.]::Okay, first entry:: Okay well this is thy first entry. Feel the love, yes feel it. Anyways To say this might NOT be updated as often as it SHOULD be, but I hope to eventually come around to remembering it atleast... once a month. I know the first few days probably won't be a problem, but low and behold after a month, ohhhh after a month, I will be slacking my friend. So this is usually how I do my entries [this is not my first LJ I just can;t remember the rest. Go figure] I usually do time post with small topic post [hence the above example]. That is really all there is to know. [9:11 P.M.]::New kitty, new day, new fight with the mums...:: Okay well about, oh say.... 3 days or 4 days ago?... I got a kitten. Yep. A kitten. Cute as a snowball too. She is currently sleeping on my lap. She is a little grey and white fluff ball with blue eyes. Oh how I love her. I figured since my name was a virtue [yes idiots Patience is a virtue!] I would name HER a virtue. I was thinking Hope or Faith? No clue. Okay on to the next subject. I hate my mother severely right now. I was having an ohhh so great day yesterday until she decides she is going to call and beg me to move in with her and bash my dad. My dad never bashes her, why does she have to bash him? No clue. Not my problem. I was at my mammaws too because my mammaw had called asking me to come visit her because she missed me because of .... work... which started not so long back -_- err enough of THAT subject. Anyways I was over there, she called, we started fussing so I went outside on the back patio and she started making me cry and mammaw walked outside and was like ,'what's wrong baby?' so I just rolled my eyes , she had got the picture, and told me to tell my mother (her daughter might I add) I would call her back later I didn;t need to be upset. So mammaw hugged me I bawled she told me to call Nickie (my sister that has currently just started back college for this semester) just to get my mind off things, because the first person I want when I get upset... is my sister. Most people say 'I want my momma' when they cry... I say 'I want my sister'. Noteing that my sister practically RAISED me. She is 20 by the way. Not much difference you say? No there isn't. I am 17 she is 20, but when I was 5 she til I was old enough to take care of myself, she raised me. Enough of that AWFUL subject of stupid people and onto another sub-topic. [9:17 P.M.]::Oh you know it... the good stuff now...:: I love Josh. Oh wow... that is it... I mean come on. What more can I say? That really DOES sum it up. He is great though just to let you all know. Yep no one better. Love me some Josh, sure do , sure do. FIN -patience Current Mood: accomplished (Comment on this)